Breaking news, Mr and Mrs America and all the ships at sea. Men, lock up your women and children. Reports are filtering in that a rogue heat wave has been skulking loose and dangerous through the Northeast. Reports are unverified but initial information points to an absolute killer. Energy, spelling, proper driving skills and dry shirts number among its victims...so far. Please, folks, lock your doors and don't go out during the day time.

The Chief of Police has just handed us a note with tips on how to best avoid entanglement with this monster.

One - Stay inside. The deranged front roams the streets of your very city.

Two - Keep the curtains drawn and windows closed. If it can't see you, it can't get you.

Three - Condition your air with some sort of air conditioning device. I don't know what that means, but we'll have our boys in the lab look into it.

Four - and this one has been underlined by the Chief - Enjoy a refreshing, cold beverage. Or even two.

And I might take this opportunity to add number Five to the list - Smoke Lucky Strike cigarettes. If you want the neat feat to beat heat stroke, smoke Strike, Ike!

This is no time to panic, citizens. If we stick together, we might just get through this heat wave.